The Evening Reflection

Warrens Birthday

2008-04-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

Today was my son's 6th birthday. I found myself a little in shock about how the time flys wishing I could slip back in time, just for a moment to see my husbands face, and hear his awe over his sons birth. To feel that rush of happiness when tears stream because the love you feel is bursting from the soul. I am not a overly religious person but I am a mother of 3 boys and with each of their births, there was such a divine rush of happiness that you know your life has been touched by some higher power.

After my last child, I was fixed and I will never have anymore children. Three is plenty,I know, but on days like today, there is a twinge, a small part of me that is sad. Knowing, I will never feel that way again. Of course a few moments later they will be fighting and screaming out... Mommmmmmmmmmm! (arg!)and that glimpse of sorrow will be replaced, with something else.

Until tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Garbled Marbles

2008-04-24T20:35:00.001-07:00

Strangely enough ladies and gentleman, I am short on words this evening. Probably due to lack of sleep. A body (and soul) needs more than 4 hours a night of shut eye. My thoughts are all garbled and my focus is blurred. I am cranky and feel I should not spill forth the things I am thinking, because I will probably regret it later. Keeping my mouth shut in writing is sure a heck of a lot easier then out loud. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs but just do not have the energy or ambition.

So I bid you all goodnight, I am off to dream (good ones I hope)

Until tomorrow.

A Steel Thread

2008-04-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

Trust and communication, the downfalls and weakness of love. A heart can be smothered by either to much or lack of each. A steel thread easy to fall off, but not that easy to completely break.

Both trust and communication are relationship bridges that mush be crossed, but to do so leaves us vulnerable and ads weight to the other halves will. Pride keeps our face unreadable, while our hearts scream for understanding. If only human nature was kinder, but unfortunately there are always the players of the heart and soul who leave there mark with a scar. Even if one does not experience the scar 1st hand, there is a ripple effect and everyone close to the victim is effected. A plague of the spirit really.

I feel slightly hypocritical after writing this, because I am one who needs to work on both. It is definitely easier to spill these words, than to actually act out this delicate balance. But to be honest, I do try. Frustration and stress crawl under my skin, however, and mar any rational thinking I may have entered the conversation with.

I sit here and listen to the song "Broken Bridges" by Toby Keith and Lindsay Haun, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PN47fdLuUY
and the words bring tears to my eyes. The song is simple yet amazing, and really explains what I am trying to say.

Thank you for taking the time to read my prattle and hope everyone has better luck with this subject then me.

Land vs Money

2008-04-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

Greetings everyone. I hope everyone has had a wonderful Tuesday.
The thoughts swimming in my head today are more positive, probably because
I got my paycheck. It is amazing the effect money has on ones mindset.

Its unfortunate really, but the days of living off the land and in trade is
prehistoric and a fossilized way of life. I wonder at times which way of life would be the bigger struggle. Probably off the land, because nature can be unfriendly at times. But so can boss's and bill collectors.

Some food for thought, Until tomorrow.

Blase' Monday

2008-04-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

Hello beautiful people.

Autopilot seems to be malfunctioning today. Yet, still I find myself mild of mood. Doing my best to keep my head level. It is exhausting for sure, when you hold your thoughts in. Yet lately, I seem to have become a little bit dramatic, (hate that) so here I am my engine sputtering along gliding barely above ground.

It is a little strange how the more I repress the less I think at all. I know this is temporary and in a couple days there will be a eruption, or a crash landing, where my wits will fray like a battered rug. Or to be more direct, "a crazy bitch" or "basket case". This is a certainty I know from previous swings in my traitorous moods. But in order to keep up the appearance of sanity, I must keep a cool head. If not for myself, then for my children. So here I am, Ignoring my irritation and sending the pity party home, I sit here in a self induced blankness.

Sweet Dreams everyone.

Wandering Souls

2008-04-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

Hello and hope everyone has had a marvelous weekend.
Epiphanies seemed to roll around in my brain as I wallowed in the nothing.

Finding out that so many things I once believed to be important, sure seem trivial today.
Not insignificant, but dimmed in value for sure.

Friendships have been on my mind of late and reincarnation. I was once told that spirits travel in pacts, and are reborn together. Clusters of divinity sharing the same mistakes and re-born emotions. My best friend just moved across the country, and this is a reoccurring problem. I have a trend of befriending the wandering souls. They never stay put. I have a had a handful of best friends throughout my history and they all move away or pass on to their next journey.

Just wondering where my pack was. Are they waiting for me to find them? Who knows, maybe I am right where I am meant to be, or maybe this is all blarney that I am spilling and means nothing.

Well my thoughts are moving in light speed., through darkness and light. Maybe I will journey out and open myself up just a little, maybe if they exist, my spiritual pack will find me.
.

Saturday Gripe

2008-04-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

Today I just want to go, go, go,
yet I am frozen in a invisible force field it seems.

There is always something that prevents my escape.
Whether it be money, kids,work, hubby... they all seem to be battering my wings, yes
there is love in most of the proverbial beatings, but still, is it too much to be able to have a break from it all. I am only 28 and feel 40. (shakes head) God if things don't change, and become a little less exasperating, imaging how I will feel when I really am 40 (eeeeeek)

Right now it is silent though, I should count my blessings. The chaotic day is coming to a close.
I will be heading off to bed, to rest before tomorrows stress resurrection.

Yes I am feeling a wee bit sorry for myself, and I recognize the bitterness in my own words.
Trust me if I could cure this cantankerous taste I would. Yes I have heard all that psycho-babble of "life is what you make it" But what happens when you have been possessed by circumstance and must wait.. Patience I suppose you would say, well you know what I say... at least at the moment is Fuck patience, and the next person who tells me I need to be strong, is going to see just how strong I am with a fist to their face. lol haha. Just the thought of doing that to a few people (who shall remain nameless) just gave me a rush of elation. lol

Well that is about all I am going to say today. I am off to bed to hopefully dream of delight, or I will be content with dreaming of punching those I shall not name's lights out. Muhahahaha.

Hello Blog Readers

2008-04-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

Well this is my first blog!

Yea!! Hello beautiful reader Hope you are doing well.

Well this is my first blog!! I am excited to do something new. I really need some diversions and a place I can openly speak what I think.